I've been fighting this battle against myself for the past 10 years. Self-inflicted wound after self-inflicted wound, I never even gave myself a chance to come up for air. I was internally exhausted... When I finally made it out of this self-destructive cycle and I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized the dark forms I was fighting were figments of my imagination. My biggest enemy was staring right back at me.
I feel like it's time I address something...
The hijab is a covering, a piece of cloth a Muslim woman chooses to wear on her head to embrace modesty and her beliefs.
Hijab is such a huge part of me, my identity, who I am. It always will be. But I realize now that I wasted so much energy wrongfully blaming the hijab for so much in my life. People didn't like me because of my hijab. I didn't get invited or included because of my hijab. Someone looked at me funny because of my hijab. I was an outsider because of my hijab. I let it become a weight on my shoulders I felt compelled to carry around with me to every corner of the world I went. I think I actually became a less likable person because I felt like I was being irreversibly perceived in a way that I had no control of.
I still remember the first time I put it on. I was twelve years old and in the environment I was surrounded by, it was only natural that I start wearing it. I didn't look back until a few months ago at the age of 21. There were times before then that I seriously contemplated taking it off. But up until recently it was never a real option for where I was in my life. I do want to clarify some things though...
Nothing irks me more than people who denounce the true meaning of the hijab. I do not intend to ever be one of those people. I admire, respect, and wish to be again one of the many strong and intelligent women who wear the hijab with pride. It's a symbol of strength and of our identity as Muslims. It is not a symbol of oppression or sexism. I believe in its concept. I am not blaming the hijab for anything anymore and I never will again.
For me, I didn't wear the hijab for the right reasons. I did it to please people around me without ever really having the faith and conviction in God that gives you that inner strength to keep wearing it. Sometimes I worry that I took it off to please other people as well. But at the end of the day, I know I did it for myself. And when I put the hijab back on someday, I will again do it for myself.
The hijab is a covering, a piece of cloth a Muslim woman chooses to wear on her head to embrace modesty and her beliefs.
Hijab is such a huge part of me, my identity, who I am. It always will be. But I realize now that I wasted so much energy wrongfully blaming the hijab for so much in my life. People didn't like me because of my hijab. I didn't get invited or included because of my hijab. Someone looked at me funny because of my hijab. I was an outsider because of my hijab. I let it become a weight on my shoulders I felt compelled to carry around with me to every corner of the world I went. I think I actually became a less likable person because I felt like I was being irreversibly perceived in a way that I had no control of.
I still remember the first time I put it on. I was twelve years old and in the environment I was surrounded by, it was only natural that I start wearing it. I didn't look back until a few months ago at the age of 21. There were times before then that I seriously contemplated taking it off. But up until recently it was never a real option for where I was in my life. I do want to clarify some things though...
Nothing irks me more than people who denounce the true meaning of the hijab. I do not intend to ever be one of those people. I admire, respect, and wish to be again one of the many strong and intelligent women who wear the hijab with pride. It's a symbol of strength and of our identity as Muslims. It is not a symbol of oppression or sexism. I believe in its concept. I am not blaming the hijab for anything anymore and I never will again.
For me, I didn't wear the hijab for the right reasons. I did it to please people around me without ever really having the faith and conviction in God that gives you that inner strength to keep wearing it. Sometimes I worry that I took it off to please other people as well. But at the end of the day, I know I did it for myself. And when I put the hijab back on someday, I will again do it for myself.
I'm still learning to let go of everyone's judgments of me. I'm not going to lie, I've judged others before. How can I be so hypocritical to expect anyone to not judge me? But to the people who think its okay to talk about me in a negative way, no one leaves this world in any condition but by themselves. My religious choices are between myself and God. This is my journey and I don't really think that I have to explain myself to anyone. That's not why I'm writing this...
I'm writing this for every human being that is so wrapped up in everyone else's view of them. Let go, live your life for yourself. Let yourself breathe. Let yourself heal. The people who truly matter won't care how you live your life. When all is said and done, they will support you and love you no matter what. Perhaps that is the most profound lesson I've learned from this experience.
There will always be people who will not understand, who will fail to see your point of view. Whether I kept the hijab on or took it off, I know I would have received judgments and negative criticism. But how I choose to live my life is my prerogative. I can no longer hide behind my hijab and place blame on a piece of cloth. I'm learning to accept responsibility for what happens in my life instead of making excuses. I am not ashamed of who I am, who I was, or the decisions I've made. It took a lot of courage to take the hijab off and I know someday it will take even more courage to put it back on.
I'm still the same person with the same problems, insecurities, and inner turmoil. I think the important difference now is I've learned to take control and be proactive with my life. That's not to say I am not still terrified half the time of what friends, family, and even strangers think of me. But I know now that I am making decisions about my life for myself and not for anyone else.
Till Next Time
-Wander Girl Aliya
I'm writing this for every human being that is so wrapped up in everyone else's view of them. Let go, live your life for yourself. Let yourself breathe. Let yourself heal. The people who truly matter won't care how you live your life. When all is said and done, they will support you and love you no matter what. Perhaps that is the most profound lesson I've learned from this experience.
There will always be people who will not understand, who will fail to see your point of view. Whether I kept the hijab on or took it off, I know I would have received judgments and negative criticism. But how I choose to live my life is my prerogative. I can no longer hide behind my hijab and place blame on a piece of cloth. I'm learning to accept responsibility for what happens in my life instead of making excuses. I am not ashamed of who I am, who I was, or the decisions I've made. It took a lot of courage to take the hijab off and I know someday it will take even more courage to put it back on.
I'm still the same person with the same problems, insecurities, and inner turmoil. I think the important difference now is I've learned to take control and be proactive with my life. That's not to say I am not still terrified half the time of what friends, family, and even strangers think of me. But I know now that I am making decisions about my life for myself and not for anyone else.
Till Next Time
-Wander Girl Aliya